The last day

September 11th 2013 was the last day that I lived with out having cancer in my life. It's been a a year since then and so much has changed. My life will never be the same, cancer will now be apart of me forever. But i have done the fight and won. This time last year I was having a great day. I was flying with a great crew headed to many great layovers. Never thought that within the next year that I would have to go through 2 more surgeries,  fertility stuff, chemo, radiation,  move to dallas and leave flying full time. In a way the cancer has helped. Jeremy would still be stuck in a job he hates and i would be commuting from slc to phx. Now I get to go home every night while getting to stay with my company. I can always go back to flying but I gave a year commitment to this assignment so next summer I can. But i don't think I want to until I could be based in Dallas.
I can't say I wish the past year didn't happen I do wish the cancer had never come but all the good that did come out of it I am grateful for. Can't wait to see what happens in the next year.

Believe

I was raised in United Church of Christ. I went every sunday with my mom from the time I was a baby until I was 15. I went to sunday school, and when I got old enough I took over watching babies during church. I went to youth group every wednesday, and with them went to La Foret, a church camp in  Colorado. I had my first french kiss at La Foret. When I was 15 I went to conformation classes. I made it through 3 had a great time, but on that 4th class we were talking about loss and greif. A new pastor had just started a month or 2 befrore and did not know that my father had just died. We got talking about the loss and greif and I brought up a point he was totally ignoning, then he proceded to tell me I knew nothing about loss and greif and probably some other horrible things that you shouldnt say to a 15 year old grieving for the loss of her father. I left conformation class that exact minute went in to the chaple to cry and call my mom. After that I stopped going to church on sunday, stopped conformation classes, but continued on with youth group. I went to high school and by senior year I had stopped youth group and La Foret completly.
From the time I was 17 until now I would always say "I am agnostic". I didnt know what I believed in. I was angry that if there was a god why did he let a 14 year old girl lose her father. I then came around saying god was just up there watching not interviening in our lifes because there was no possible way for god to respond to everyones prayers. I dont understand how a "god" could let what happends in Africa with the starvation and ilness, and also give a rats ass about a football game, an actor winning an award.
Now with this cancer and everything else I have found what I "believe". I am an athiest. I do not believe there is a god up there judging me and my actions. I believe I just need to be a good person, do good work in my community, be a loving wife, daughter and someday a mother. My cancer is genetic, no outside influences, such as a cell phone, foods, or microwave, ect. I am not being punished for something bad, I am just unlucky with my genetics. I make my own destiny, there is no path. I am making ym own choices, I made bad ones, I also make good ones. It tooks me years to realize this but I know I have found what is right for me. I know it will upset a lot of people in my life but I cant pretend to believe in something I dont, or lie and say I am agnostic I dont know what I believe. I do know, and I am willing to share it, but I will still do what I do and not ram it down peoples throats, or go out of my way to say it.

Warrior

I have been listening to my old Ipod and 18 Wheeler by Pink came on. It perfectly describes my life right now. Beating cancer and not letting it beat me. This is my theme song and I will rock it!
Hey, hey, man! What's your problem? 
I see you tryin' to hurt me bad 
Don't know what you're up against 
Maybe you should reconsider 
Come up with another plan 
Cuz you know I'm not that kinda girl 
That'll lay there and let you come first 

Give it a listen. Pink is all about woman power, but it can be applied to so much more. My personal power over cancer.

Not what I wanted to be thankful for

I cant believe this thanksgiving what I am thankful for is the fact my husband and mom are supporting me through cancer. I wanted to be thankful for my awsome new job, the places i get to travel, the people i get to work with, spending time with Jeremy. I love the fact I have health insurance and I dont have to worry about how I am going to pay for all these bills, but I dont want to have to worry about this. 

I am almost done with the first set of horrible chemo. I have finished 3 out of the 4 sessions. The first 2 sessions were really hard mentally and physically. I slept a lot the first 2 times. This time I bounced back a lot faster. I still dont feel like me but I think that will take a while. I lost my hair, and I think thats why I am having a hard time getting back to being me. I dont feel pretty, I dont look like my self, i feel like a shell and I dont want to but it feels like it will never end.

2B or not 2B?

Found out the stage of my cancer. I have stage 2b. All that means is I had a tumore between 2 cm and 5cm (mine was 3.5) and the cancer spread to the lymphnodes. Luckily it was only 1 of the 8 they took out. I still dont have a treatment plan, that will come tomorrow (October 17th) and Ill post it for sure. 

I have been givng my self shots every night to grow my eggs to harvest them. Thats sounds so wrong but I am so so scared that the chemo will kill all my eggs and kill my chances at having a family. With my luck if i didnt do this I couldnt have kids, my luck fucking sucks. 

Thats all the update I have for now. Ill do more tomorrow

Bitching

I am just all around mad. Mad at this whole fucking situation! I see posts on FaceBook about hwo people ar sick of being sick. You have a cold, its just uncomfortable. I used to bitch about having colds and now it seems so so dumb. There is so much else that could go wrong. Even now i feel bitching about my cancer is dumb because people have way worse cancer then I do.
I also feel so so jealous of the people just bitching about a cold. I wish thats all I had. Also my roommates have pissed me off, bitching about the TV being on in the middle of the day. 1) Its so quite they cant fucking hear it 2) Im sorry I had surgery and being able to move is very very hard 3) I just fought with insuance companies for 4 hours, 3)I deserve to eat my burrito and watch law and order SVU to get out of my own hell, for an hour.
I am mad at my body for betraying me. I have to now go though all this stuff i never wanted to even think about. I have to make decision after decision.  I am so tired. to much to do. Trying to figure out what I have to do. There is more I have to get doen before I can start Chemo. I dont evern know where to start. ucking insurance, why the hell do I have to deal with this while Im sick?


My path remport came back from my last surgery, they went in a cleared the margins of my first surgery and took 8 lymph nodes. Out of the 8 only 1 had cancer. Which is great news but I am still so sore. Now I have to worry about freezing embryos, if I want a mastectomy ect.

Grounded

I know this blog is supposed to be about my wonderful life flying. Well thats going to be on hold for 6-8 months due to this stupid thing called cancer!
I just had my second surgery on September 20th. They went in through the other surgical site to clear out what was left of the cancer cells. They also took some lymphnodes to test to see if there were any cancer cells in them. They took 3 and they were all negitive but the oncologist wanted one more just to be sure. And of course that one had cancer cells so they had to take a few more to test. I was under for about 3 hours. Now I have a lovly drainage tube hanging out of my side.
Hopefully I get it taken out this week. It is making me gag every time and ew. thats all ew.

I have 2 more doctor appointments this week. One with a plastic surgeon and one with a reproductive specialist to talk about freezing me eggs. That is the scariest thing. Also waiting for the genetic test to see if I have the cancer gene. If I do, I dont even know what Ill do. So many decisions coming my way I am terrified.

I have started a cancer website that I will be posting on when I need help with doctor appointments things like that. Please check it out!

Also on October 12th there is a walk raising money for breast cancer! Check it out donate and join my team!
 All links are posted below!

I want to thank everyone for their support over this past week and a half. It has been a crazy one. Feel free to stop by anytime Ill be in SLC for a bit. And for all you out of towners there is extra space for you!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/MakingStridesAgainstBreastCancer/MSABCCY13GW?team_id=1494493&pg=team&fr_id=55773

https://mycancercircle.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/709101/