I am just all around mad. Mad at this whole fucking situation! I see posts on FaceBook about hwo people ar sick of being sick. You have a cold, its just uncomfortable. I used to bitch about having colds and now it seems so so dumb. There is so much else that could go wrong. Even now i feel bitching about my cancer is dumb because people have way worse cancer then I do.
I also feel so so jealous of the people just bitching about a cold. I wish thats all I had. Also my roommates have pissed me off, bitching about the TV being on in the middle of the day. 1) Its so quite they cant fucking hear it 2) Im sorry I had surgery and being able to move is very very hard 3) I just fought with insuance companies for 4 hours, 3)I deserve to eat my burrito and watch law and order SVU to get out of my own hell, for an hour.
I am mad at my body for betraying me. I have to now go though all this stuff i never wanted to even think about. I have to make decision after decision. I am so tired. to much to do. Trying to figure out what I have to do. There is more I have to get doen before I can start Chemo. I dont evern know where to start. ucking insurance, why the hell do I have to deal with this while Im sick?
My path remport came back from my last surgery, they went in a cleared the margins of my first surgery and took 8 lymph nodes. Out of the 8 only 1 had cancer. Which is great news but I am still so sore. Now I have to worry about freezing embryos, if I want a mastectomy ect.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Grounded
I know this blog is supposed to be about my wonderful life flying. Well thats going to be on hold for 6-8 months due to this stupid thing called cancer!
I just had my second surgery on September 20th. They went in through the other surgical site to clear out what was left of the cancer cells. They also took some lymphnodes to test to see if there were any cancer cells in them. They took 3 and they were all negitive but the oncologist wanted one more just to be sure. And of course that one had cancer cells so they had to take a few more to test. I was under for about 3 hours. Now I have a lovly drainage tube hanging out of my side.
Hopefully I get it taken out this week. It is making me gag every time and ew. thats all ew.
I have 2 more doctor appointments this week. One with a plastic surgeon and one with a reproductive specialist to talk about freezing me eggs. That is the scariest thing. Also waiting for the genetic test to see if I have the cancer gene. If I do, I dont even know what Ill do. So many decisions coming my way I am terrified.
I have started a cancer website that I will be posting on when I need help with doctor appointments things like that. Please check it out!
Also on October 12th there is a walk raising money for breast cancer! Check it out donate and join my team!
All links are posted below!
I want to thank everyone for their support over this past week and a half. It has been a crazy one. Feel free to stop by anytime Ill be in SLC for a bit. And for all you out of towners there is extra space for you!
http://main.acsevents.org/
https://mycancercircle.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/709101/
I just had my second surgery on September 20th. They went in through the other surgical site to clear out what was left of the cancer cells. They also took some lymphnodes to test to see if there were any cancer cells in them. They took 3 and they were all negitive but the oncologist wanted one more just to be sure. And of course that one had cancer cells so they had to take a few more to test. I was under for about 3 hours. Now I have a lovly drainage tube hanging out of my side.
Hopefully I get it taken out this week. It is making me gag every time and ew. thats all ew.
I have 2 more doctor appointments this week. One with a plastic surgeon and one with a reproductive specialist to talk about freezing me eggs. That is the scariest thing. Also waiting for the genetic test to see if I have the cancer gene. If I do, I dont even know what Ill do. So many decisions coming my way I am terrified.
I have started a cancer website that I will be posting on when I need help with doctor appointments things like that. Please check it out!
Also on October 12th there is a walk raising money for breast cancer! Check it out donate and join my team!
All links are posted below!
I want to thank everyone for their support over this past week and a half. It has been a crazy one. Feel free to stop by anytime Ill be in SLC for a bit. And for all you out of towners there is extra space for you!
http://main.acsevents.org/
https://mycancercircle.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/709101/
Sunday, September 15, 2013
the scariest word I know
As I told you in my last post I had surgery to remove a lump from my breast. My doctor who first felt it and saw my ultra sound said it looked noon cancerous. The surgeon who took out the lump said the exact same thing. So I went back to work on Wednesday got an amazing trip with amazing people. Flew from Phoenix to Charlotte then out to Portland. Had a 24 hour layover and planned all these amazing things to go do because I have never been there.
So in the morning my crew (sarah, rebecca, and carl) and I went to the metro and got on to head down town to get done voodoo doughnuts then keep exploring Portland. We got off the metro and I was guiding. I had to pause because my doctors office was calling.
Then the one weird I didn't ever want to hear I heard. Cancer. After that I blacked out. Everyone was so so positive it wasn't cancer and then blam.. Cancer.
So there I am in the middle of Portland crying trying to figure out anything what to do how to feel. Luckily my crew was with me and they helped me figure out what to do. I called in sick to work. My doctor wanted me home that same day. No way I could have worked the rest of the trip. He was taking care of my emotional needs. I think it might be a while before I can work.
After calling in sick I tried to call Jeremy and my mom. Both of them were not in a place to answer the phone. I called then both straight for like 30 minutes. Finally my mom answered and I'm bawling telling her that I have cancer. She said she was coming home right then. She bought a plane ticket and was home that night. Jeremy finally called me back while I was on the metro back to the hotel to pack my things and head to the airport. I told him and the first thing he did is say he is driving home (he was working in Boise).
I got a direct flight on southwest from Portland to slc. I was crying on and off the entire day. I couldn't tell anyone I wasn't ready. The only people who knew were my mom Jeremy and his family.
We don't know what stage I have our what I might have to do but they said I need one more surgery and chemo.
On Monday I am getting an MRI Tuesday and Thursday meeting with doctors to plan out the surgery and treatment options.
I'll try to keep this updated as it goes on but who knows how this is going to go.
I just can't believe that I have breast cancer.
So in the morning my crew (sarah, rebecca, and carl) and I went to the metro and got on to head down town to get done voodoo doughnuts then keep exploring Portland. We got off the metro and I was guiding. I had to pause because my doctors office was calling.
Then the one weird I didn't ever want to hear I heard. Cancer. After that I blacked out. Everyone was so so positive it wasn't cancer and then blam.. Cancer.
So there I am in the middle of Portland crying trying to figure out anything what to do how to feel. Luckily my crew was with me and they helped me figure out what to do. I called in sick to work. My doctor wanted me home that same day. No way I could have worked the rest of the trip. He was taking care of my emotional needs. I think it might be a while before I can work.
After calling in sick I tried to call Jeremy and my mom. Both of them were not in a place to answer the phone. I called then both straight for like 30 minutes. Finally my mom answered and I'm bawling telling her that I have cancer. She said she was coming home right then. She bought a plane ticket and was home that night. Jeremy finally called me back while I was on the metro back to the hotel to pack my things and head to the airport. I told him and the first thing he did is say he is driving home (he was working in Boise).
I got a direct flight on southwest from Portland to slc. I was crying on and off the entire day. I couldn't tell anyone I wasn't ready. The only people who knew were my mom Jeremy and his family.
We don't know what stage I have our what I might have to do but they said I need one more surgery and chemo.
On Monday I am getting an MRI Tuesday and Thursday meeting with doctors to plan out the surgery and treatment options.
I'll try to keep this updated as it goes on but who knows how this is going to go.
I just can't believe that I have breast cancer.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Timeoff... Unwanted
I had surgery and took me out of work for 6 days. before those 6 days i had 3 days off and after the 6days I have 2 days off. I havent worked in a long time! I am going crazy just sitting at home. It wasnt so bad when Jeremy was around but he left for Idaho for the week. I was supposed to go with him to Boise but at last minute they decided to send him to Ketchum which is 3 hours away from Boise. I dont go to work until wednesday the 11th! But because I have no hours this month I'm hoping that they will give me a trip instead of making me sit reserve. I have been looking to see the trips open and Im hoping I am the most senior with the leased amount of hours because there is a great trip with 2 amazing layovers. But knowing my luck I wont get it.
Jeremy is back in th running for a job at Lake Havasu. We are ready to move out of this place. Love our house, but there is nothng here for us any more. Jeremy cant grow in his current job, and our marriage cant last us continuning to commute back and forth. We are starting to look at other jobs around the country. Jeremy isnt ready to make a huge move to the east coast, but I really want to. I am 100% ready to move. There is a job in Lancaster PA that is close to PHL. The only down side is that I would be flying with people I really dont want to. Oh well the trips would be so much better, maybe international. There is also a job in North Carolina that I want Jeremy to look at, but it is so vauge I dont think he is. I kinda want to move to NC. The CLT trips are great and I like the people there.
Jeremy is back in th running for a job at Lake Havasu. We are ready to move out of this place. Love our house, but there is nothng here for us any more. Jeremy cant grow in his current job, and our marriage cant last us continuning to commute back and forth. We are starting to look at other jobs around the country. Jeremy isnt ready to make a huge move to the east coast, but I really want to. I am 100% ready to move. There is a job in Lancaster PA that is close to PHL. The only down side is that I would be flying with people I really dont want to. Oh well the trips would be so much better, maybe international. There is also a job in North Carolina that I want Jeremy to look at, but it is so vauge I dont think he is. I kinda want to move to NC. The CLT trips are great and I like the people there.
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