Believe

I was raised in United Church of Christ. I went every sunday with my mom from the time I was a baby until I was 15. I went to sunday school, and when I got old enough I took over watching babies during church. I went to youth group every wednesday, and with them went to La Foret, a church camp in  Colorado. I had my first french kiss at La Foret. When I was 15 I went to conformation classes. I made it through 3 had a great time, but on that 4th class we were talking about loss and greif. A new pastor had just started a month or 2 befrore and did not know that my father had just died. We got talking about the loss and greif and I brought up a point he was totally ignoning, then he proceded to tell me I knew nothing about loss and greif and probably some other horrible things that you shouldnt say to a 15 year old grieving for the loss of her father. I left conformation class that exact minute went in to the chaple to cry and call my mom. After that I stopped going to church on sunday, stopped conformation classes, but continued on with youth group. I went to high school and by senior year I had stopped youth group and La Foret completly.
From the time I was 17 until now I would always say "I am agnostic". I didnt know what I believed in. I was angry that if there was a god why did he let a 14 year old girl lose her father. I then came around saying god was just up there watching not interviening in our lifes because there was no possible way for god to respond to everyones prayers. I dont understand how a "god" could let what happends in Africa with the starvation and ilness, and also give a rats ass about a football game, an actor winning an award.
Now with this cancer and everything else I have found what I "believe". I am an athiest. I do not believe there is a god up there judging me and my actions. I believe I just need to be a good person, do good work in my community, be a loving wife, daughter and someday a mother. My cancer is genetic, no outside influences, such as a cell phone, foods, or microwave, ect. I am not being punished for something bad, I am just unlucky with my genetics. I make my own destiny, there is no path. I am making ym own choices, I made bad ones, I also make good ones. It tooks me years to realize this but I know I have found what is right for me. I know it will upset a lot of people in my life but I cant pretend to believe in something I dont, or lie and say I am agnostic I dont know what I believe. I do know, and I am willing to share it, but I will still do what I do and not ram it down peoples throats, or go out of my way to say it.